A pair of shoes

A Pair of Shoes


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Author unknown

Hanna Park

So a few weeks ago Kelli, Maddy, and I went to Hanna Park to try and decide about the location for Tyler's 2nd birthday. Although Hanna Park ended up being booked already and we decided on Oceanside Park instead we got some cute pics at the beach! We didn't think that we were going to get in the water so none of us had our bathing suits but when we got there they had the most perfect little tide pools for Maddy to play in!!! Plus Kelli wanted to get some pics of Maddy on the pretty much deserted beach with her little bum on the sand! Normally I would not let her get in the water without her bathing suit on but she was so excited about the water.... Soooo.... I decided to let her go in! She LOVED it!!!!!

After playing in the water we headed back to the car and spotted the cutest tortoises! There was like 4 of them!!!

Headed back home with a sunkissed Maddy and drinking Mommy's drink!

Remembering EVERY day

Today I have been thinking alot about how great Tyler's 2nd heavenly birthday turned out. We had such a great day remembering him but now that his birthday is over I hope that everyone will continue remembering him in their daily lives! I know that for me there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you little buddy! I love you sooo much my precious little boy!

The cute things Maddy does

I love watching Maddy grow each day. She does the cutest things- (ok I may be partial because I am her Mommy but seriously it's cute!) It seems like she's constantly learning new things and I dont want to forget any of them! Here are a few of the things she has been doing lately that I just love to watch!

Since Maddy learned to clap she does it all the time! And if you clap along with her she just grins and grins and thinks your the BEST!!!

When I give Maddy her bottle in the car she likes to cross her little feet and play with her hair and ears as she drinks it. She get's in "the zone!"

Gives her silly girl grin! I love it!

When laying back in her stroller Maddy likes to prop her feet up on the bar!

One of my absolute favorite things she does is when she puts her paci in by herself she almost always put's it in backwards!

Tyler's 2nd Birthday Celebration!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Can't beleive that it has been 2 years since we last held Tyler in our arms! We miss him every day and wish that he could be here with us. We will always remember our little boy and we will always celebrate his birthday. We celebrate that he is a part of our family and even though he isn't here with us one day we will all be together in Heaven!

This year for his birthday we went to a park on the ocean and had lunch, cupcakes, and then wrote messages and released balloons. And we got a surprise! While at the park Maddy took her very first steps!!!! We know that Tyler was watching from up above smiling at Maddy and everyone who came to remember him!

Two years ago today....

Two years ago today I held you in my arms for the very first time.

Two years ago today I watched your daddy walk you around the hospital room, talking to you, and trying to fit a lifetime of memories into one day.

Two years ago today I watched you so closely hoping that you would take a breath and be ok.

Two years ago today I asked God, "How am I going to be able to let him go and say goodbye?"

Two years ago today I felt like I had died when you left our room and I gave you one last kiss.

Two years ago today I learned what it means to be a mother.

Two years ago today was THE hardest day of my life.

Two years ago today was one of the best days of my life.

Two years ago today our little boy became an angel in Heaven.

A friend who will be a friend FOREVER!!!

I am so excited! My friend Kelli is someone who I am very close to. I always feel like I can go to her and share with her how I am feeling about Tyler. I have many stories to tell about all the wonderful things she has done to let me know that Tyler is always in her heart but that will have to wait for another night because my eyes are starting to feel droopy! I am so tired but I wanted to add this wonderful picture that she made of Maddy with the dandelion flower! We call dandelions "Tyler's flower" I love this picture that she made SOOOO much! I cant wait to get it framed and hung up! Thank you Kelli!!!! Love you!!!

Things that I wish I would have done:

I know it's probably not the healthiest thing to do but I can't help thinking about all the things I wish I would have done with Tyler when he was born. So here is what I wish-

I wish I would have had Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come out and take professional pictures of Tyler and Matt and I with Tyler.

I wish I had a full body picture of Tyler (complete with his adorable teeny weenie- it was so cute!!!) Matt dont get mad that I said teeny weenie-I didnt mean it really!

I wish that I would have curled up in the hospital bed and taken a little nap with Tyler- (something that I cherish doing with Maddy)

I wish that I would have bought a really nice mold kit to take Tyler's hand and footprints.

I wish that I would have had a recording of Tyler's heartbeat.

I wish that we had video'd Tyler's birth and the time that we spent with him.

I wish that I would have had a rocking chair in the room to rock him and sing to him.

I wish that I never had to say goodbye....

The thoughts keep coming...

I dont know what it is... maybe it's because Tyler's birthday is approaching, maybe it's because I see children the age that Tyler would be now, but I have been in a bit of a funk this week. During the day things are fun, Maddy and I enjoy the day together as we splash in the water at my Mom's house, and eat banana's, we cuddle with a bottle, and I laugh at her adorable grin!!! But then when I put her down for a nap and I'm all alone with my thoughts I just lay in my bed thinking of Tyler. Today I went in the room and took out some of his things and laid in bed with them and just cried. Cried for all the things that I did not get to do with him, cried for all the things that I will never get to do with him here on this earth. Oh Tyler how I miss you every day....

Nearing Tyler's 2nd birthday...

... I have been thinking alot about where I was 2 years ago at this time. At this time 2 years ago we knew that our little Tyler was heaven bound. For some reason I was thinking today about our meeting with the lady from Hardage Giddons. She had come to our house to discuss with us and make arrangements for Tyler's service. We decided to do this ahead of time because I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for our little boy and I knew that after Tyler was born I may not be in any condition to do this. So she came in and gave us her condolences and she showed us a brochure of caskets. This about killed me right then. How horrible it was to be planning such a thing when Tyler was still alive in my belly. I began to cry and just wanted to die right then. I didn't want to have to face this reality anymore!!!!! At this time even though all the doctors said that Tyler's condition was 100% fatal and there was absolutely zero chance for survival, in my heart I still was holding out hope, hope that God would perform a miracle, hope that God would let my baby be ok... Hope that when we went back to the doctor they would find that a miracle had happened! But none of that happened, oh how I wish I could go back and change the way things turned out for you my little boy. I long to hold you in my arms more than anyone could ever know.

Tyler's 2nd birthday cards

I am so excited about Tyler's 2nd birthday cards! My friend Kelli designed them for me and I love them!!! This year we decided to do his birthday celebration at the beach- I thought of this when I had his name written in the sand in Hawaii. There is a place that will write your child's name in the sand and send it to you! I loved this beacause I love anything that has Tyler's name in print. To have someone else acknowledge him and write his name is just so sweet! So when I got the pic I loved it and thought of the idea of doing his birthday at the beach this year! Here's the invite!

The front:

The back:

Mother's Day

Well, yesterday was Mother's Day. We had a wonderful morning at the Zoo, Maddy had so much fun getting to touch the sting rays and feed the giraffe's!!! I woke up this morning and looked at Maddy's precious little face on our video monitor while she slept. I thought of how thankful I am to have her in our life. She is truly a miracle and I never knew that being a mommy could be so wonderful. I always knew it would be great but you just can't imagine just HOW wonderful until you hold your child in your arms!!! Or even see their little heart beating on the sonogram for the first time! So throughout the day I just tried to really take in the little moments, looking into Maddy's eyes, watching her play with Matt, watching her slowly fall asleep in her stroller, feeling her contentness as I held her close! The only thing that could have made this day any better was of course if I could have both of my children in my arms today. What a dream that would be! I wanted to attach this poem below that I read a while ago and really loved, on Mother's Day now not only do I think of mom's who have their children with them but I also think of all the mom's whose children are in Heaven watching over us!

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this

God I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are A Special Mom

Author Unknown

Thinking of you...

So, we just got back from a trip to the North Carolina mountains. We had so much fun! It was Maddy's first time in the snow and we stayed in this unbeleivealbe cabin at the top of the mountain with an amazing view! On one of our last days there we were all outside playing in the snow and taking pictures. Matt was playing with Maddy and as he held her in his arms they were looking at each other and just laughing together and I felt so blessed to have both of them. I also felt sad though because Tyler isnt with us. I never got the chance to take him to see his "first snow" and that really hurts. I never got the chance to do so many things with him.... I dont think that I will ever feel completely complete without him. In memory of Tyler I drew a little hearts with wings in the snow and then another one with his name beside it (this heart with wings has a whole story of it's own!). Afterwards I spent some time outside sitting in the snow just thinking about Tyler and being that high up above the world I felt that he was right there and he was listening to me.... I miss you my precious little boy.

The icing on the cake...

Grandpa isn't doing well today. He has been sick for quite a while now and things seem to be going good and then they get bad again. I am so afraid to loose someone else. Loosing Tyler was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through and now the thought of loosing someone else just isn't fair......

I remember the other day we were all together for Grandpa's 75th birthday. He was doing great and so happy to have all the family together. As most of you who are reading this blog problaby know in the Ford family it is a tradition that Grandpa Ford always gives the kids their very first lick of icing off of the birthday cake! I remember doing this with Grandpa like it was just yesterday! And in a way it wasn't too long ago (he gave me a lick of icing on my wedding day!!!) Well, that day Bek asked me if I was going to let Maddy have her first lick of icing with Grandpa. At first I wasn't sure if Maddy was old enough to eat icing yet, I worry about everything, and am overly cautious lot's of the time about things.... but then Bek said, "You really should let her..." So I did and I am sooo happy that Grandpa and Maddy got to experience that together! And when she is older she will always have the picture of her and Grandpa getting icing together!

So my lesson learned? "Don't be so cautious about things that you miss out on something really special!"

Starting my blog again...

Well, it has been a LONG time since I have done anything with this blog! I read about a website where you can send your entire blog to and get printed into a book so I have decided to try and start writing again! Just a place to write about all the memories I dont want to forget about Maddy as she grows each day and a place to write about our little Tyler and just life in general! Things have been busy. Maddy is already almost 11 months old! I cant beleive it! I remember a time not too long ago when Matt and I felt we would never have a family after all our struggles to get pregnant and now we have Barkley, our precious angel Tyler, and little Miss Maddy. We love our little family! Our Christmas card is below and a pic of Barkley with his Christmas bone!