A picnic with Tyler

So today Matt, Maddy, and I went to have a picnic with Tyler. We picked up some lunch and headed down to the cemetary. We have always talked about going to visit and having a picnic but I dont think that we have ever got around to doing it and today seemed like the perfect day. So we got there and it was really nice although it is SUPER hot here! We talked to Tyler like we always do when we go visit him. I dont know but I always feel like Tyler is looking down from above watching us when we go to visit him. It just feels natural to me to talk to him. We had lunch and laughed at Maddy being silly! Then since it was so hot we packed up and got ready to head back. As Matt took Maddy to the car I stayed for a few more minutes and sang to Tyler. I always love singing "You Are My Sunshine" and "Count Your Blessings" to him. And I always tell him that whenever he is watching from up above and see's me singing to Maddy to know that those songs are meant for him too! It was peaceful being there but also so sad to know that this is as close as we will get to having our family together on this side of Heaven. I miss him every single day. I miss him so much....

Once we got home I went outside with Maddy and looked at Tyler's garden. One of the new flowers started blooming! I think it's probably because of all these afternoon thunderstorms we have been having!

Maddy had a ball running around the yard and chasing Barkley!

What's new with Mad's

So I wanted to write today about the "new" things Maddy is doing lately and her favorite things. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog to remember all these great memories! So here goes!

Maddy has started saying a few more words now. She says mama, mom, dada, duck, dog, "this"-(in conjunction with pointing), uh-oh, tickle, and all done! She also knows the sign langauge signs for bath and more.

Her favorite things right now if you couldn't guess from her words are dogs and ducks! Lately when she has been watching her Baby Einstein DVD's she get's very excited when she sees the ducks on there so I thought it would be good to take her to the park at the beach to see real ducks. We have been a few times before when she was younger and she liked them but wasn't too interested. Well this time let me tell you she had a ball with them! She thought they were so cool! She kept waving to them over and over it was so cute! Then she would run after them. She fed one of them but it nipped her hand so she was done feeding after that!

She also has just started giving kisses! And she kisses everything!!! Her doll, her toys, things when we go out places, and her Barkley. When we are getting ready to leave the house now she will run over to Barkley lean down and give him a kiss before we leave! Even the animals on the rides at Monkey Jungle! Silly girl!

She is loving her little baby dolls too. My mom got her 2 baby dolls and she likes to carry them around the house and when she sits down she will sit them down etc. She also likes to take the little baby bottle and put it to the babies mouth and make little drinking sounds her Grams taught her this. She also likes to "share" her paci with her babies!

When you tell her Maddy give the baby loves she will hug the baby! And she has started to "love" on the characters in books too! Her favorite types of books are the ones that have lift the flaps and she is really into these 2 books that we have that you can scratch and sniff. She loves to read and will bring books to me all throughout the day, she hands me the book then turns around and sits in my lap for me to read it to her. I hope she will always love reading! That's the teacher coming out of me!

Some more of her favorite things are her little Cozy Coupe car that Aunt Bekah and Eddie gave her, beads, things that she can climb in and out of like her little chair, she loves anything that has straps to play with, and still loves to climb in the laundry basket to play! And she loves to climb on things, she is our little monkey! She just learned how to climb onto the couch and she is so proud of herself! But she worries me a little with all her climbing! So there's a few new things about out little sweetie!

Work, kisses, and a sleepover!

I had orientation today for substitute teaching. It was soooo boring! I am planning to go back to work 2 days a week to bring in some extra money. I am not ready to go back to work full time yet and leave my little Mad's! So this will be a great compromise for this year and then next year I will go back to work full time. I was only gone for about 4 hours and I missed Maddy so much!

Last night she did the cutest thing. Maddy has this little space, corner in the living room that she loves to sit in. She will take her toys over there and play all by herself and is content as can be! There is also a dog/beagle statue over there that looks just like Barkley that she plays with, he's her little buddy and doesn't run away like Barkley does! Well last night she was sitting there and playing with the dog and leaned over and gave him a kiss on the nose!!! I was so surprised I have never seen her do this before! Then I said, "Maddy go give Barkley a kiss!" She grinned real big walked over to Barkley and gave him a kiss too!!! Next Daddy asked for a kiss and she gave him one and one for me too! Matt and I were having a fit it was so cute!

Today we had my nephew Will sleep over. We had so much fun! We had McDonald's for dinner then Maddy and Will played. Then we got ready for bed and rented 17 again to watch. It was a pretty good movie. Before we went to bed we looked through an old scrapbook album from when Will was a newborn and laughed and talked about memories. He is such a great kid! I just cant believe how big he is now, a big 4th grader!

Blue Springs

Yesterday we went on a little day trip to Blue Springs. (We have been here once before years and years ago when we went camping with Kelli and Phillip).

Then...

And now!!!

So we packed up and headed out the spring was about 2 and a half hours away. Maddy did great on the drive, slept most of the way there and then was content watching her DVD player and having some goldfish! When we got there we got lotioned up and ready to head into the Spring. The Spring water was crystal clear and FREEZING COLD!!!! I mean it was painfully cold! But once we got in and stayed in for a bit it didn't feel cold anymore. Maddy went right on in but it took the girls about 30 minutes to really get in. Will, Nigel, Matt, Eddie, and even Charlie jumped off the dock. The water below was over 25 ft deep! They had fun doing this! Then the girls all got the snorkel gear on and went snorkeling around the spring. I have always LOVED snorkeling. One day I think that I may want to get my liscence and learn to scuba dive. I think that woujld be so neat. There is just something so peacful about being under the water and seeing the fish swim by lazily and the seaweed just swaying back and forth. It's all nice and quiet. I just love it!!! We saw lot's of fish and tried to swim down to the cave where the water comes up into the Spring but it was too hard because the pressure was crazy where the water comes us. Next the guys went out to snorkel while we stayed with the kids. Maddy had a blast walking along the sandy bottom of the spring and playing with Alivia's water toys. We put on her little floatie and she would swim back and fourth between us- well really float but anyways! After a little while we decided to get out and go get some lunch. I went to get changed and when I came back Maddy was sound asleep in her stroller! The water always wears her out! Then we went to lunch, half of us ate Long John Silver's oh yeah baby! They dont have anymore in Jax anymore! And the other half ate at a pizza place. Then we headed back home. It was a great day!

Everyday reminders

Today I was looking online at cute monkey stuff for my nephews birthday party coming up. I am helping my sister design the invitation. As I was looking around I came across this picture. Of course as soon as I saw it the bananna with the name Tyler on it caught my eye. I felt a little pang in my heart. Oh how I wish that Tyler could be at Josh's birthday to play this cute game.

Maddy brushes her teeth!

Tonight we showed Maddy how to brush her teeth for the first time! Although she is already 17 months she only has 3 teeth- two on the bottom and one on the top so we didn't start until now. We let her sit on the counter and Daddy showed her how to brush. She wasn't sure about the toothbrush at first but then began to smile! She thought it was funny! So next we let her try on her own. She pretty much just played with it in her mouth but what can you expect from a 17 month old? Then I showed her how to run the water over the toothbrush and this was her favorite part, she wanted to put in in the water then in her mouth, and then repeat over and over! Gosh she's getting so big!

The Secret Garden Meeting

This months Under the Tree is now called The Secret Garden. It's a place where once a month there is a prompt to journal about or questions to answer. It's kinda like an online support for parents dealing with loss. So here is this months questions.

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
When I think of Tyler I see him in Heaven as a little toddler with light red hair and an adorable face with freckles like his Daddy. I see him as a real "boy's boy." You know one who loves to play with dirt and chase after bugs, play baseball and run around with his toy trucks. I sometimes imagine him playing with Jesus. I imagine him playing with his Gramps who is also in Heaven and playing with the other little angel babies who went to Heaven far to soon. I think that they look down on us on earth and show each other who their families are. But I do also have times where I feel sad because I wonder if Tyler is looking down on us and feeling sad that he is not here in our arms too. I wish that I could catch a glimpse of Tyler in Heaven to know that he is ok and happy- not sad, if only for a moment.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
When we became pregnant with Maddy I feel like I knew to treasure things more because of the loss of Tyler. At first I was very scared to become too attached to our new little baby but I knew that I was already soooo very attached from the second we found out that she was on her way so instead I choose to savor every moment that I had with her during my pregnancy. I was thankful for each and every day that she was growing inside because I knew that you never know, you just never know.

Visiting Tyler

Just a quick post, we went to visit Tyler today and brought him new flowers. I love these flowers Tyler's Aunt Kelli gave them to us to put at the cemetary and I love them, they are so bright and summery! While there it was so funny we were arranging the flowers and our of nowhere this adorable little frog jumped right on the cross on Tyler's marker, then he stayed a bit jumped into the grass and jumped back on the marker! How cute! I of course had to take a few pics of him! I think it was Tyler's way of saying hey! and giving me a vision of him running around Heaven chasing little tree frogs and doing all the "little boy" things! Just wish that I could be there to do it with him. I would love doing all the fun getting in the dirt boy stuff!

Laundry, laundry, laundry!

Ok so I seriously think that my laundry reproduces itself! How is it that we always have soooo much laundry? I know as my mom would say, "Well, I you just keep up with it by doing a little at a time..." I wish I was more organized like my mom! So today will pretty much be dedicated to doing laundry and hanging clothes! We are getting ready to go on vacation in a few days to Atlanta and I wanted to try and get everything in my garage washed so I can start packing early and not at the last minute like I usually do. Then in a little while Maddy and I are going to go to the store to get some groceries and get some new flowers to take to Tyler. So that's my day! Better get started!

Just a ride

Today was a long day, Maddy was up last night until about 3am and then didn't take much of a nap this afternoon either leaving her and I both exhausted. When Matt got home from work we decided to go for a drive to pick up Arby's for dinner. I love the drive to the Arby's because it's across this pretty bridge and just nice, on the way Matt asked if I wanted to drive around to the boat docks, and where the shrimping boats and stuff are on the way home. I said sure so after we picked up our food we went for a drive in the rain while eating in the car.

We went past the Jetty's, shrimping boats, and went to the boat dock and showed Maddy all the seagulls. While driving around Matt told me stories about things he used to do when he would come down here with his Gramps. Then we drove to the lighthouse and beside this Matt showed me a place that you can go and watch the Navy Helicopters taking off. Then he quietly said, "This is where I would come sometimes after we lost Tyler." I was surprised. I never knew that he did this. Then he said that yeah he would come here sometimes by himself and just sit. It broke my heart to hear this, and all the memories of those days came rushing back. I felt a little guily that I didn't know that he had done this... I guess that I was just so caught up in my grief that maybe I should have worried about him more. Matt has always been my rock. The early days after we lost Tyler, he was the only thing that kept me going day after day when I wanted to just die and be with my little boy. I dont know what I would do without him. I so wish that he could have his little boy here with him to do all the things that dad's do with their sons. It just makes me so sad.

As we left and started driving back home I was looking out the window lost in my thoughts when I saw a beautiful rainbow across the water! I showed Matt and told him that he had to turn around so I could get out and get a picture! I told him that this was a sign from Tyler telling him that he was thinking about him too... sometimes "just a ride" is so nice.

Ginnie Springs Disaster trip!!!

Ok so I am cheating, I am not actually going to write the whole story out again since Rebekah already wrote it out on her site so here it goes! I will add my details in blue! = )

Ginnie Springs
July 6, 2009

So we went to Ginnie Springs today just the girls and we were SO excited...well some of us anyways (I wasn't too excited because I was scared from the beginning about going down the river with a 16 month old!). We had bought our blow up boats packed all of our things and headed down at 7:00 am for a day of swimming and floating, but when we got there everything started on a downward spiral. Right as we were putting the boat/rafts (these thing were not the sturdiest) in the THUNDER started and I am not talking about far off in the distance, it sounded like it was right on top of us. At this point I said let's just swim around in the Springs and not go down the river. So after about 30 minutes of re situating to get into the boats safely we started off. We being 4 mommy's and 6 kids...4 of them were 3 years or younger and 2-9 year olds that are most of the time more difficult than the babies. Anyways we made it into the water and started floating...well tried to float but Alexa was mad paddling to keep us in the middle.

About 5 minutes into our trek it started to rain and then pour. As we looked out some of the women (not naming any names) me and Alexa! were starting to get a little bit nervous....ok maybe a lot. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something that I was sure was an alligator head...it wasn't of course but that started the major panicking...esp from the 9 year old boys that by this point were crying hysterically and screaming for help from the nearby people camping who probably all thought we were crazy. What a sight! So we get to the first turnoff and cannot get off...it was too far and there was no way we could steer our entourage off that fast so we made our minds up we were getting off at the next spring.

As we are waiting to get to the next Spring Alexa starts freaking out because she was afraid that the rafts were going to fill up from the rain pouring down and we were going to drown! She starts freaking out saying, "I'm getting out, I'm getting out right here, Let me out!" Rebekah was like "Alexa we are in the middle of the river you cant get out now you have to wait until we get to a Spring. The whole time I am sitting there just praying that we get to the next Spring quick so we can get out!!!! The next thing you know our rafts (which were all tied together) started floating into the green swampy area- you know the kind with the nasty mossy stuff where the alligators live. And we all freaked out! We were screaming all trying to paddle away from it but it seemed like we were just going in a small circle getting deeper into it! I closed me eyes and thought to myself If a gator pops out of this water we are in real trouble!!!!!! Will and Nigel and screaming and balling their eyes out and Will about flipped out of his raft screamed to us help us help us!!! Finally we got into the middle of the river again.

Well the next spring came and it seemed like we were going to pass it again...but then Alexa and Jeanna decided to hand off all the kids and make a mad paddling effort which paid off. We made it to the springs and out of the alligator land. What a wild ride. The boys did not stop crying until we were out of the water onto dry land. By the end of the ride we had 5 crying kids and Maddy peacefully sleeping until the very end when she woke up smiling away oblivious of what just happened and 4 women who I think were crying inside...and vowed never again until we got about 2 hours away and Alexa decided maybe she would take another crack at it at Itchatucknee with my family. I'm not so sure about that though.

When we got home Josh wanted to tell everyone about his journey. When Eddie and my mom asked him about his trip he told them this...He said he saw an alligatorlog and turtles on sticks....and that Nijel crazy and Will crazy. How funny.

Just one of many adventures to come for these 4 chickas and their kids I'm sure.

A few pics: These were mostly from after we got off the raft!

Thank God we are all home safe! I will not try this again until Maddy is a bit older, I have a better raft, and we check the weather!

My Sister's Keeper

Tonight I went with the girls to go see the movie My Sister's Keeper. I knew that it was going to be really sad but it looked so good and I wanted to see it anyways. Well, let me just say it was REALLY REALLY sad.... And of course it made me think of Tyler. I saw myself in the Mom in the movie at times. I know this may seem weird but I only wish that I had the chance to spend that much time with Tyler even if alot of the times were hard.

I just feel so cheated... cheated out of my time with Tyler... I should have been able to mother him, watch him grow up, put him to bed at night and watch him sleep so peacefully in his crib. At the end of the movie the little girl says that she doesn't know why this happened... there wasn't a good reason..... my thoughts exactly. Sometimes I wish that someone could tell me WHY God choose to take Tyler. WHY he isn't here. But then I think, you know what? Even if someone told me why it still wouldn't be good enough... there will never be a good enough reason for why I do not have my precious son here with me in my arms...

July 4th 2009

What a day...

Today we went to a state park with Jeanna, Roni, and Charlie and let's just say the day didn't go exactly as we planned! We had planned to get to the park early, go walking on the beautiful nature trails, and then have lunch at a restaurant on the water that they have raved about for a while now. Well, we got to the park and it was SOOOOO hot, we got the kids in the stroller and were ready for our hike only to find that we had taken the wrong trail. The trail we went on was not stroller friendly and it had alot of steps and bumpy paths. Then my little Miss Independent wanted to walk and she tripped and skinned her knee which was followed by screaming-poor thing! We had to carry the kids over the steps and Matt and Roni carried the strollers down the stairs. Then we weren't sure which trail we were on or where we were going, we were all hot and so when we saw a little stream with water we decided to let the kids get in and play and then head back. Maddy and Charlie had fun in the stream at least! We took some cute pics and then headed back.

Next we went to the place on the water to eat. As soon as we sat down I was so thirsty, our waitress came and got our drink orders, I look down and there is a roach looking right at me!!! ICK!!!! OK, now anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of roaches!!!! I would rather come face to face with a snake,e spider, anything just not a roach! So I flipped out a little and said I wasn't eating there. I know it was just 1 roach but still! So we left drover for what seemed like forever to another seafood place on the water and ate lunch. This place was pretty good, Matt loved it because he loves seafood and Jeanna and I took Mad's and Charlie down to the water and saw two manatee's! They were so cute and were right up close to the dock! Although I cant say the day was a success it was still nice to get out of the house and spend time with Matt, Maddy, and friends!