A day to remember...

So Tyler's 3rd "Heavenly Birthday" is coming up in a little while and I have already begun to do a little planning for it! We are going to have it at a nearby state park called Castaway Island and it's going to be a "Fishing" theme! Castaway Island is right on the water and has a dock that you can fish off of, nature trails, picnic tables, and courtyard. So I thought this would be perfect, I just hope it doesn't rain! We are going to have a cookout there and fishing poles so they guys can fish and the kids can just run around and play or throw rocks in the river, go on the nature trails etc. Plus I will have a little craft where they can paint their own little fishies. (Can you tell I love the paint your own stuff???). We will also have cake or cupcakes and everyone will get a balloon to write a message for Tyler and then we will do a balloon release at the end of the dock.

Some of you may wonder why would I plan a celebration/party like this when Tyler isn't here with us and the thing is, it just feels right to me. It feels right to have a day where our friends and family get together to remember Tyler. A day that is all about him!!! Tyler is a part of our family and he will ALWAYS be a part of our family.

No matter what I do or dont do the anniversary of Tyler's birth will ALWAYS be really hard. I will ALWAYS wish that he was here with me in my arms to spend his birthday with him. I will always long to hold him on his birthday and cuddle him and watch him blow out his candles, I will always wonder, "What would he be into right now? Would he love Yo Gabba Gabba like Maddy does? Or would he be more into cars? What would he look like now at 3 years old? Would he have red hair and blue eyes like his Daddy? What would his personality be like? " It kills me that I will never know these things this side of Heaven but one thing I know for sure. I WILL be with him again one day. And I will never let him go when that time comes! But for now, while I try to make it through each birthday I want to continue having a day just for him our precious, precous little boy. To remember him, to love him..... and I hope that each year he is smiling down from Heaven watching us celebrate his birthday and knowing that we will never forget him and that he is in my heart and on my mind every single day.

Disney, therapy, and Maddy's first hair cut!

We just got back from Disney last weekend! This time just the girls and the kids went for the day and we had a blast! Maddy's favorite things were the tea cups and the Jungle Cruise!

So we took Maddy for her evaluation at Early Steps and she didn't qualify. : ( I was disappointed. I know you may be thinking what?? Why??? It's good that your child didn't qualify to need speech therapy BUT the thing is she is a little behind on her expressive language but she isn't anywhere near what they consider "severe" so she didn't qualify. Which means we will have to find a different private speech therapist to take her to and insurance doesn't usually cover speech therapy unless it's a issue resulting from a problem at birth, etc. Soooooo.... I have been really looking into it and found that at Wolfson's they have a grant that they give you if your insurance wont cover it!!!! Yay!!!! It's not something you have to qualify for, it's not based on income or anything you just get it! So I am VERY excited about that. Maddy's evlaution with them is the week after Spring Break. On the other hand Maddy has been improving alot with her talking in just the last month or so, I am so proud of my baby! I just think that this will be the little "boost" she needs to just take off! : )

And Maddy got her very first hair cut! Her Grams cut it and I think it looks so cute!

Weekends, oh how I love you!

Now that I am working full time I look forward to the weekend sooooooo much! I hate being away from Maddy during the week so when the weekends get here and I have 2 full days with Maddy it is just pure BLISS!!! But the weekends always seem to come to an end so quickly! : (

This weekend was pretty busy. Saturday morning I went to garage sales with my Mom and found lots of good stuff, I love garage sales! Then Maddy and I picked up McDonald's and went to the baseball park for Will's first game of the season. It was pretty cold but Maddy and Josh didn't seem to mind! They just ran around playing together. Then we went home, I put Maddy down for a nap, did some laundry and when she woke up my sister, Mom, and I went shopping for art supplies. We are participating in Disney's "Give A Day, Get A Day". It's a promotion they are doing where if you donate or volunteer at certain organizations they give you a FREE ticket to Disney!!!!! So we choose a local school, all you had to do was bring in 15 new art supplies to the school so Matt and I both did this! Cant wait to plan our next trip to one of the Disney parks! Afterwards we went to dinner at Sticky Fingers and home for bed!

Today we slept in and it was so nice! Mad's didn't wake up until about 8:45, she was a little sleepyhead this morning! So we got up had breakfast and then went to the Arboretum. It's a place close to our house that has nature trails. It is so beautiful there, they have bridges, little streams, a huge lake and about 5 different trails that you can walk. Maddy and I went with Jeanna and Charlie. The weather was just perfect and the kids loved being outside. Here are some pics from our day today! Afterwards it was lunch then home for nap and then cookout at friends house! Aaaaa...... what a fun weekend, just sad it has come to an end... onto another wonderful week of working! : (

Where has the time gone?

Monday was Maddy's actual birthday. To celebrate Matt and I took off work and took Maddy to the Alligator Farm. I thought this would be the perfect place to go since she has been very excited whenever she sees alligators in books and stuff because she knows how to put her arms together and CHOMP! like an alligator! Anyways, so we got up early and had a great time! Maddy and I got to actually hold and pet a baby alligator and got our picture taken with it. Matt didn't want to get anywhere near him though, he isn't a fan of any type of reptiles!

It amazes me just how much she had changed in a year! I was watching her run around and talk and I thought, "Wow, this time last year she wasn't even walking yet! And now look at her!" I love the age that she is right now, I love seeing her personality develop and seeing her get excited about things but I also love the age she was when she was first born, 6 months, 1 year, 1 and a half. . I think every stage has it's great moments and I am just enjoying where she is as we go! My friend Kelli made this little collage and I think it's so precious!
Yesterday I took Maddy to her 2 year well visit at the pediatrician. She is doing so great! She's in the 50th percentile for her weight she weighs 25 almost 26 pounds and in the 95th percentile for her height! She's a tall little girl! She didn't have to get shots which I was very happy about and is right on schedule for everything developmentally! I did talk to the doctor about my concerns with her speech/language being a little behind and she agreed that I should continue with Early Steps for their full evaluation on Tuesday. Her receptive language-actually understanding things is really good but it's still the expressive language I'm concerned about although she has been talking ALOT more lately!!! : )

What can I say except I adore my little 2 year old!!!

Happy Birthday Maddy!!!!

Our Little Girl is 2!!!!!

Saturday we went to the feed store to pick out Maddy's birthday ducklings! Will and Josh came with us too and they thought it was so neat when they saw them. Maddy got so excited and was saying, "Duck-duck!!!" Which is what she calls them, it's never just duck it's always, "Duck-duck!" We let each of the kids pick out which duckling they wanted. Will picked out black one and named it Quackers. Josh picked out a yellow one and named it Pip. And Maddy picked out the duckling that was black and yellow and named it Ming-Ming! They were all so adorable!

Sunday was Maddy's birthday. I woke her up early so that she would go down for her nap early and up in time for the party. We spent the morning getting everything ready and at 3:00 everyone started arriving. Everything went so perfectly

Playing the duck-floating game. They picked up a ducky and got a prize for the number on the bottom!

Decorate your own duck. These little ducks are from oriental trading. They were solid white and the kids decorated them.

Party favors and decorations!

Thinking of you....

http://www.hopecollage.org/

So I have been having a harder time this past week feeling down, missing our little Tyler. I am not sure why, maybe it's because I am planning all the fun things for Maddy's party which I love doing and it reminds me of what I am missing with Tyler, but it just seems lately everything reminds me of him, even more than usual..... I know that everyone says grief is like that, you have good days, ok days, and bad days...

A few days ago I was at my Mom's house during Maddy's nap. I was in the laundry room shredding papers when out of the corner of my eye I saw something on the wall. I looked closer and remembered what it was. It was where my Mom marks the height of the grand kids as they grow older starting when they are about 2. There on the wall was Will's heights, and Josh's and in just a few short weeks Maddy's will be up there too... but I immediately thought that Tyler was missing. It's traditions like this that I love so much and are so special that are just so hard for me. I sat staring at the wall imagining what Tyler would look like right now. Would he be tall like Maddy? Would he have Daddy's red hair? Would he play ball with my Dad like Will and Josh do? I wish I could just have a glimpse of him, just one more moment holding him and telling him how much I love him. Just one more moment....

It's funny how things work I came home and was talking to Matt and then came on the computer and saw that Tyler's collage had been posted! I was so excited and it lifted my spirits a bit! I came across this website that makes collages for parents that has lost a child, you choose what words you want on the collage and you can send them a picture of your child's footprints or hand prints too and they will make a collage. Isn't it beautiful??? I just LOVE it! And I LOVE that it is Tyler's actually footprint! I think I am going to get it printed and framed.

Party planning!

I cannot beleive that our little girl is going to be 2 in just a few weeks!!!! It seems like just yesterday we were seeing her precious little face for the very first time and now she is this wonderful little girl with a personality all her own that we just adore! I have begun to get into party planning mode! We decided on a duck theme this year because Maddy LOVES ducks! One of her favorite things to do is go to the park and feed the ducks, she get's so excited so we thought this would be the perfect theme and cute too!

We are going to have her party at our house and we are going to have 4 real ducklings here for the kids to pet!!!! Supervised of course! I cant wait to see Maddy's face when she sees real ducklings at her own house in the backyard! Yay!!! We are going with a yellow and white polka dot print for the plates and decor as well as rubber ducks. We're going to have a craft table where they decorate little flat wooden ducks with feathers and it will have a magnet on the back so it can go on the fridge. I also went on oriental trading.com and found these rubber ducks that are "create your own" so everyone at the party can decorate their very own rubber ducky! For the party favors I am bought silver galvanized pails to put duck themed items in along with fake-like grass at the bottom for a farm like feel and the cupcakes are going to be little bubbles with a mini ducky on top! I am so excited I cant wait!

Feeling MUCH better!

Painting and dancing at Aunt Bekah's with my Joshy~

So Maddy is feeling so much better! She is completely off the breathing treatments now and is back to her happy energetic self! Here's a few pics from my iphone. Which by the way yes, I just recently got an iphone and I LOVE it!!!!!!

Happy Valentines Day!!!!!!

Maddy's Valentines Card! photo's and card by Kelli www.kellicarpenter.com

What a great Valentines Day we had! Matt had to work during the day so Maddy and I had a lazy morning at home! We played in the playroom and cuddled in Mommy and Daddy's bed with Barkley, something that Maddy LOVES to do!

Next we went outside to get some fresh air and I put a little red dress on Maddy that used to be mine when I was Maddy's age! It's a very special dress because my Aunt Sandi actually made it for me! Of course I had to take some pics of Maddy with it on! My Mom and I when I was little! My little sweetie!

Then my parents stopped over and brought Maddy's little Valentine's Day tin with goodies in it! They also have one that they bought in memory of Tyler that has Snoopy on it. I love that they always remember Tyler on Valentines Day and all the time! Then Maddy went down for her nap and Matt came home from work with flowers for me- gerber daisies which are my favorite!!!!

A bit later I headed over to my friend Jeanna's house where she did my hair and make up for dinner. Matt took Maddy to his Mom's house and she watched her while we went out to dinner at a restruant called River City Brewing Company.View from the restraunt

It's a seafood and steakhouse and it's right on the river. We went with my sister and husband and some friends and had so much fun! Dinner was delicious even though the service wasn't the greatest! And we laughed most the whole way trough dinner! Then we picked up Maddy and came home to get ready for bed. The best part of my Valentines Day was just being able to spend it with Matt and Mad's! Thinking of Tyler today, hope you felt Mommy's love today and everyday little man!

Trip to the ER

This week has been pretty hard. Maddy began showing signs of a little cold on Monday. She just had a small cough and a runny nose. On Wednesday when I dropped her off at my Mom's house before going to work I noticed that she was starting to sound a little bit wheezy. I told my Mom that she was probably going to need a breathing treatment. I talked to my Mom later in the day and she said that her breathing seemed heavy and she was still wheezing so she had been giving her breathing treatments, she had my Aunt Sandi come over to look at her (she's an RN) and she said that I should probably take her into the doctor when I got off work. I called the doctor, left work a little early and headed to pick her up and take her to the pediatrician.

When I got there she had gotten worse and by the time we got into the room at the pediatricians office her breathing was really bad. When the nurse came in I told her that I thought Maddy was going to need a breathing treatment now-before waiting for the doctor to come in because she was breathing really hard. She said ok went and got the pulse ox thing for her finger. She slipped it on her finger and a few seconds later left the room very quickly saying, "I'm going to go get the doctor" Next thing we know Dr. Benitiz is flying into the room and hooking Maddy up to oxygen through a nasal canula and giving her a nebulizer treatment at the same time. I was scared to death. I knew that it wasn't good, the doctor and 2 nurses were running around getting everything set up and I was sitting with Maddy in my arms crying as she was flailing around because she was kinda panicking from not getting enough oxygen. I finally got her calmed down by holding her close and saying, "Shhh...shhh...shhhh" over and over softly this always calms her. Once she had the oxygen on for a little bit and the nebulizer treatment over she calmed down and her breathing seemed much better.

Dr. Benitez checked her and said she sounded much better and more open but she was going to have to be monitored overnight. If she happened to continue needing oxygen again she would have to be transported to the hospital because when you need oxygen like like your can "crash" quickly. This really freaked me out and I said whatever we need to do , do it. If you think she may need to go to the hospital we can just go there now. He said let's wait and see if we can get it under control here first because they may just send you home if she is doing ok like she is right now.

We settled in at out doctors office they have a TV in the room and Maddy seemed to do better. They checked her and she was getting tight again so they gave the a steroid. Then when Dr. Benitez came in a bit later to check her, her Pulse-Ox (oxygen) numbers were too low again and she needed oxygen again (although to look at her she looked way better than before) so he said, "She has to go to the hospital now." He called Wolfson's and they sent the transport team over to pick us up at our doctors office. When they arrived the EMT's all came in the room and had on masks, it was scary and just seeing that made me tear up. They then put the electrodes on her tummy and chest and Maddy was just holding onto me while they did this and quietly watching them. Next they had to strap her into the stretcher the stretcher had like car seat type straps. She started crying at this time and looking at me holding out her arms towards me saying, "Momma, Momma, Momma!!!!" I thought my heart was going to break. To see her like that just about killed me! Then the EMT's told me that I could ride with them but I had to ride in the front and couldn't ride with her in the back!!!!! At this point I totally fell apart, Maddy was continuing to cry and call and reach for me and I felt SOOOO bad! I gave her a ton of kisses and we got in the ambulance to leave.

As we drove to the hospital I prayed to God please let her be ok, and I thought of Tyler. I thought ok big brother watch over your Mad's she needs you! We got to the hospital and I jumped out of the ambulance to see Maddy. They told me that she did great and watched Shrek the whole way there and her oxygen numbers were doing really good, she didn't need it. Once we got to the hospital she was doing much better, we stayed and they monitored her for about 5 hours during which time she didn't need any more oxygen or breathing treatments. They think that the steroids finally had kicked in. They finally released us to go home at about 2:00 in the morning.

I am happy to say that Maddy is now doing MUCH MUCH better!!!! She still has a little cold and is taking breathing treatments but isn't needing them very often and hopefully in another few days or a week she will be completely off the breathing treatments. I am however concerned that she could possibly be developing asthma. It runs in our family and because she was preemie and had RSV last year at this time I am planning on making an appointment with a pulmonologist to see if they can give me any insight into why she has had these issues multiple times and/or if she had asthma/ what an I do to prevent this. Sooooo..... whew it's been a crazy few days!

Two pics I took on my i-phone while we were at the hospital waiting for Maddy's chest x-ray to come back and trying our hardest to keep little Mad's entertained! Thank goodness for the portable DVD player, she had the wires attached to monitor her so she couldn't get out of the bed and boy did she want to!

Going through this has just made me think again about how blessed we are to have Maddy. When you have lost a child you are so much more aware I think of just how fragile life is and how we don't have any guarantees in life. Thank you GOD for watching over our precious little girl AND taking care of our little boy until we meet again.

The little things

So I came home to this message written on my computer by Matt and Maddy, Aww!!!!

Thank you for all you do. We love you your the best mommy and wife

Love, Us