Thinking of you...

So, we just got back from a trip to the North Carolina mountains. We had so much fun! It was Maddy's first time in the snow and we stayed in this unbeleivealbe cabin at the top of the mountain with an amazing view! On one of our last days there we were all outside playing in the snow and taking pictures. Matt was playing with Maddy and as he held her in his arms they were looking at each other and just laughing together and I felt so blessed to have both of them. I also felt sad though because Tyler isnt with us. I never got the chance to take him to see his "first snow" and that really hurts. I never got the chance to do so many things with him.... I dont think that I will ever feel completely complete without him. In memory of Tyler I drew a little hearts with wings in the snow and then another one with his name beside it (this heart with wings has a whole story of it's own!). Afterwards I spent some time outside sitting in the snow just thinking about Tyler and being that high up above the world I felt that he was right there and he was listening to me.... I miss you my precious little boy.

The icing on the cake...

Grandpa isn't doing well today. He has been sick for quite a while now and things seem to be going good and then they get bad again. I am so afraid to loose someone else. Loosing Tyler was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through and now the thought of loosing someone else just isn't fair......

I remember the other day we were all together for Grandpa's 75th birthday. He was doing great and so happy to have all the family together. As most of you who are reading this blog problaby know in the Ford family it is a tradition that Grandpa Ford always gives the kids their very first lick of icing off of the birthday cake! I remember doing this with Grandpa like it was just yesterday! And in a way it wasn't too long ago (he gave me a lick of icing on my wedding day!!!) Well, that day Bek asked me if I was going to let Maddy have her first lick of icing with Grandpa. At first I wasn't sure if Maddy was old enough to eat icing yet, I worry about everything, and am overly cautious lot's of the time about things.... but then Bek said, "You really should let her..." So I did and I am sooo happy that Grandpa and Maddy got to experience that together! And when she is older she will always have the picture of her and Grandpa getting icing together!

So my lesson learned? "Don't be so cautious about things that you miss out on something really special!"

Starting my blog again...

Well, it has been a LONG time since I have done anything with this blog! I read about a website where you can send your entire blog to and get printed into a book so I have decided to try and start writing again! Just a place to write about all the memories I dont want to forget about Maddy as she grows each day and a place to write about our little Tyler and just life in general! Things have been busy. Maddy is already almost 11 months old! I cant beleive it! I remember a time not too long ago when Matt and I felt we would never have a family after all our struggles to get pregnant and now we have Barkley, our precious angel Tyler, and little Miss Maddy. We love our little family! Our Christmas card is below and a pic of Barkley with his Christmas bone!

Maddy's Baptism

Well, today was Madison's baptism. What a special day. Although this is supposed to be a happy day I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness that we didn't get to expereicen this with Tyler. We did have a baptism done at the hospital for Tyler but we didn't get to do the whole service, etc. So, I woke up today and felt well, just weird. I began to cry missing my little boy and then I looked over at Maddy and began to cry again because I feel that by being sad on her special day I am not being a good mommy to her. I dont want to be the "sad mommy." I want to be the happy mommy for Maddy but how to you hold back your feelings when they are so strong? I am afraid that for the rest of my life I will always have a part of me that is sad and knows that something, someone is missing and my life will never be the same. After feeling down I called my mom who made me feel better then talked to Matt a bit. We went on and Maddy's bpatism was wonderful. The pastor even spoke of Tyler and I was so touched. He told how Maddy's brother Tyler was baptized in the Lord's name as well. Our family and close friends were there and then afterwards we all went out to eat and then had cake. I watched Maddy and thanked God for bringing her to us, I just love her so much. I know that Tyler was watching over us all today and smiling as he watched Maddy being baptized. Early this morning when I woke up it was raining. It made me think of that song, Holes in the floor of Heaven. I have posted the lyrics below. Little guy I know that you were sending us the rain to let us know you were watching and wishing you could be here now. I love you!

Tile :Collin Raye - Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

One day shy of eight years old,
When grandma passed away.
I was a broken hearted little boy,
Blowing out that birthday cake.
How I cried when the sky let go,
With a cold lonesome rain.
My mom smiled, said: "Don't be sad child."
Grandma's watching you today."

'Cos there's holes in the floor of Heaven,"
And her tears are pouring down."
That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An' sometimes if you're lonely,
"Just remember she can see.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven"
And she's watching over you and me."

Seasons come and seasons go,
Nothing stays the same.
I grew up, fell in love,
Met a girl who took my name.
Year by year, we made a life,
In this sleepy little town.
I thought we'd grow old together,
Lord, I sure do miss her now.

But there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
And her tears are pouring down.
That's how I know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now.
An' sometimes when I'm lonely,
I remember she can see.
There's holes in the floor of Heaven,
And she's watching over you and me.

Well my little girl is 23,
I walk her down the aisle.
It's a shame her Mom can't be here now,
To see her lovely smile.
They throw the rice, I catch her eye,
As the rain starts coming down.
She takes my hand; says: "Daddy don't be sad,
'Cos I know Mama's watching now."

"And there's holes in the floor of Heaven"
And her tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now."
An' sometimes when I'm lonely,
"I just remember she can see."
Yes, there's holes in the floor of Heaven,"
And she's watching over you and me."

Watching over you and me.

Watching over you and me.

Pictures from Maddy's baptism

This blanket was ordered from fillintheblankie.com

Thinking of you...

Tyler, I think of you every day. I think of you when I wake up and when I go to sleep, I think of you all through the day. I miss you so much. I just started back to work this week and I feel blessed to be able to share stories and memories of you with others. I friend at work is going through infertility treatments and as we talked I told her about you. We talked about how expensive the cost of in-vitro is (which is what daddy and I did to become pregnant with you!) I told her that money is no object when it comes to you! I told her that even though you are not here on earth with us now that just being able to see you and hold you nad have you grow inside of me was worth all the money in the world. I would never do anything to take back the time we had together. I also told her that you will ALWAYS be my son, and one day we will be together again in heaven. Her and I both talked and cried together. It felt good to share you with someone who didn't really know you yet.

I also had a sad moment at work. I was talking back to my classroom after taking my students to lunch when I saw a bulletin board that was Rodeo themed. It said in big letters in the middle, "Welcome Back Buckaroo's!" I saw it and fell apart, tears began to fall as I walked the rest of the way to my classroom. I walked in and just cried. Your daddy and I always say that you are daddy's little "buckaroo" and I felt so sad when I thought that I would never get to welcome you to school and watch you grow up and move onto the new grade each year. I wont get to have you at school with me and pick out the very best teachers for you and see your perfect little face in the hallway. I miss you so much Tyler and I wish more than anything that you could be here with me to spend your whole life. I love you.

Pregnancy progress

August 5th- Found out we are pregnant (test #1)

August 6th- Took test #2- positive!

August 8th- We had our first appointment at Dr. Boyd's office. We were just there to have the pregnancy confirmed through a urine test and they also checked the urine for protein. We met with the nurse not a doctor today and she asked a few questions about medical history etc. I began talking with her about Tyler and began to tear up. She was very nice and understanding though. She also figured out our due date and said it would be April 4th. We are currently 6 weeks pregnant.

Our next appointment will be a very long appointment. We will meet with the nurse coordinator to go over the does and dont's of pregnancy and go over paperwork etc, then have a pelvic exam done by the doctor, and we get to have our first ultrasound done! Yay! Hopefully that will make me feel maybe 1% better.

August 11th- Starting having some light brown spotting. I am very worried about this I called the after hours nurse (since it was a Saturday) and she told us we needed to go to the ER to get everything checked out. At the ER they took bloodwork, did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. I began to freak out thinking please let everything be ok. They told me that it looks like I am more like 4-5 weeks pregnant and not 6. When they did the ultrasound they saw the sac but not the heartbeat or anything else. They said that this is normal for how for along I am.

This Blog

I am starting this blog so that I have a place where I can write out all my confusing thoughts and feelings. I have a journal at home too that I write in but typing is just so much easier sometimes. As of now I am going to keep this blog private. Maybe I will let others read it later on, we'll see.


After losing Tyler I just feel so alone and sad. After lots of talking about what to do reguarding trying to get pregnant, Matt and I decided that we were just going to just kinda let nature take it's course. We didn't want to start activly trying with charting and all that but we also didn't want to do anything to prevent a pregnancy and then whatever happens, happens.

Well, after the first month of this it "happened" We were totally shocked. After trying to get pregnant for 2 years with no success and then finally undergoing IVF to become pregnant with out little Tyler this was a complete shock that we were pregnant on our own!

I remember as soon as I missed my period I took a test and it was negative. That was around July 28th. Then after a few days I still hadn't started my period but I wasn't too concerned since I have PCOS. Then I had two days around the 3rd where I had a little bit of light brown spotting, I figured that I was probably about to start my period. I wanted to take sure though so I had Matt get me a pregnancy test to take. So on Sunday, August 5th Matt woke me up at about 6:30 with a test. I took it and wasn't thinking much about it. I figured it would be negative, I'd throw it away and we would go on with our normal day. As I got up I glanced at the test quickly and then turned my head back quickly again. There was two lines!!!!! I was so shocked! I took the test and walked into the living room where Matt was laying on the couch and said, " Matt I'm pregnant!" He was like, "WHAT?!!!" Then he said, "That's great!" We were both just totally stunned! We hugged and talked about Tyler for a long time. Although I was happy for this new baby, I was also sad for all the things that we will never get to do on this earth with our precious little Tyler. We then called our parents who like us were shocked. Then we drove over to Rebekah's house. I couldn't get them on the phone and I wanted to tell her before I told anyone else. We got to their house and I woke them up. Bek answered the door in her pajamas and I showed her the test stick. She kept saying, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" We stayed and visited a short while and then we went to visit Tyler.

As soon as I got to Tyler's marker I completely broke down in tears. I talked to him a long time and I told him that Mommy was pregnant. I also told him that even though he was going to have a little brother or sister that he would ALWAYS be our firstborn son, Our precious Tyler and that we will NEVER forget him. We told him that he will always be a part of our family and this new baby will know all about him from the minute he is born. I want this baby to know his big brother and to love Tyler as well. Tyler holds piece of my heart that could never be filled my anyone else. It belongs to him and only him. Matt and I strongly feel that Tyler may have had something to do with this pregnancy. That day while visiting Tyler Matt said, "Maybe Tyler was sitting in God's lap and whispered in his ear, "You should bring a baby to my mommy and daddy." I really think that could be true. I feel like Tyler is a piece of this little one.