This Blog

I am starting this blog so that I have a place where I can write out all my confusing thoughts and feelings. I have a journal at home too that I write in but typing is just so much easier sometimes. As of now I am going to keep this blog private. Maybe I will let others read it later on, we'll see.


After losing Tyler I just feel so alone and sad. After lots of talking about what to do reguarding trying to get pregnant, Matt and I decided that we were just going to just kinda let nature take it's course. We didn't want to start activly trying with charting and all that but we also didn't want to do anything to prevent a pregnancy and then whatever happens, happens.

Well, after the first month of this it "happened" We were totally shocked. After trying to get pregnant for 2 years with no success and then finally undergoing IVF to become pregnant with out little Tyler this was a complete shock that we were pregnant on our own!

I remember as soon as I missed my period I took a test and it was negative. That was around July 28th. Then after a few days I still hadn't started my period but I wasn't too concerned since I have PCOS. Then I had two days around the 3rd where I had a little bit of light brown spotting, I figured that I was probably about to start my period. I wanted to take sure though so I had Matt get me a pregnancy test to take. So on Sunday, August 5th Matt woke me up at about 6:30 with a test. I took it and wasn't thinking much about it. I figured it would be negative, I'd throw it away and we would go on with our normal day. As I got up I glanced at the test quickly and then turned my head back quickly again. There was two lines!!!!! I was so shocked! I took the test and walked into the living room where Matt was laying on the couch and said, " Matt I'm pregnant!" He was like, "WHAT?!!!" Then he said, "That's great!" We were both just totally stunned! We hugged and talked about Tyler for a long time. Although I was happy for this new baby, I was also sad for all the things that we will never get to do on this earth with our precious little Tyler. We then called our parents who like us were shocked. Then we drove over to Rebekah's house. I couldn't get them on the phone and I wanted to tell her before I told anyone else. We got to their house and I woke them up. Bek answered the door in her pajamas and I showed her the test stick. She kept saying, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" We stayed and visited a short while and then we went to visit Tyler.

As soon as I got to Tyler's marker I completely broke down in tears. I talked to him a long time and I told him that Mommy was pregnant. I also told him that even though he was going to have a little brother or sister that he would ALWAYS be our firstborn son, Our precious Tyler and that we will NEVER forget him. We told him that he will always be a part of our family and this new baby will know all about him from the minute he is born. I want this baby to know his big brother and to love Tyler as well. Tyler holds piece of my heart that could never be filled my anyone else. It belongs to him and only him. Matt and I strongly feel that Tyler may have had something to do with this pregnancy. That day while visiting Tyler Matt said, "Maybe Tyler was sitting in God's lap and whispered in his ear, "You should bring a baby to my mommy and daddy." I really think that could be true. I feel like Tyler is a piece of this little one.