Sail Jacksonville

Today we went to Sail Jacksonville with Aunt Bek, the boys, and Alexa, Nijel, and Ailvia. It was at the Downtown Riverfront. the first thing I have to say about the day is HOT, HOT, HOT!!! Oh my gosh it was soooo HOT outside today! But aside from the heat the kids had a blast! We started by getting frozen Roadrunners (virgin of course we had the kids with us!) and taking some pics with the pirates! Then we went aboard the huge pirate ship and the kids got to look around, Maddy had fun looking out into the water and crawling around the deck while the boys went down below to check it out.

Then we went to the kids area where they had rock climbing, a jump house, water boat races, and a sandcastle station. Maddy tried to eat the sand! After that we had to get inside to cool off so we went to American Cafe for lunch while Maddy took a nice little nap. After lunch we let the kids play in the water fountains that shoot up from the ground! The cool water felt sooooo good outside in the heat! Aaaaa!!!! Nice! Next we headed home for a much needed nap! Can't wait to go back next year!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Happy Meal!

So today was a BIG day according to Matt!~ Today we took Maddy to get her very first "Happy Meal." Matt was soooo excited! I mean literally as we were leaving the house he was grinning ear to ear and did a little jump! He cracks me up! Ever since Maddy was born Matt has been saying, "I can't wait to take Maddy for her first happy meal!" Matt was telling me that he remembers when he was growing up it was a "treat" to get to go to McDonald's with his parents. I am so happy that he is able to do this with Maddy! Daddy's little girl! I remember times when we wondered if we would ever become parents and now look where we are... parents of two!

Matt showing Mad's her happy meal!

French fries are yummy!

You gotta love the toy!

Adventure Landing

So this week was Maddy's first time going to Adventure Landing this summer. We bought season passes and I am so excited! I wasn't sure how Maddy would do at the water park since we haven't gone since last summer when she was only about 3-4 months and just sat with me. Well she did great! Of course I was running around after her most of the time but what can you expect from my little crawler! Maddy and Alivia played in the Kiddie Area with toys and then we all went in the wave pool with their life jackets on- Maddy didn't like the life jacket too much though! Next time we are going to try the Lazy River if it's not too cold!

Cruising along the side






Playing in Mommy's diaper bag




Leaving AV with feet propped up, classic Maddy!

My delightfully messy girl!

So the other day Matt came home from a meeting at work with a surprise for Maddy. It was a huge cupcake with pink and white icing. It was like the size for 2 or 3 cupcakes in one. So we got Mad's in her high chair and let her have at it! Here she is digging in! Yummy!

This says it all today...

Family

Yesterday we took new flowers down to the cemetary for Tyler. It is always bittersweet going there. On the one hand I love having a place to go to talk with him and remember him but on the other hand it's so hard to see the reality of it all. The reality that the only place I can go to be with my son is the cemetary, the reality that I will never get to go shopping for him for the holidays except for to get items to decorate his marker at the cemetary. And the sad reality that this is as close to really knowing Tyler that Maddy will ever get.

I watched Maddy play with Matt while we arranged Tyler's flowers and was so sad that she will never get to meet her big brother on this side of Heaven. How harsh that she will have to learn at such a young age that not everyone stays with us here on Earth. Here are a few pictures from today of the flowers we got, I love the wildflower look.

Good morning beautiful!

Today has been such a great day! This morning Maddy woke up really early and Matt brought her to me in our bed and she cuddled in and fell asleep! It was so nice because ever since Maddy learned how to crawl she is on the go, go, go!!! She just likes to play in the morning when she wakes up and doesn't take naps in our bed like she used to every once in a while when she was little. As we all cuddled together I thought of how blessed I am to have her in our life!

Then we went to the beach for a pinnic and swimming with friends. Lot's of fun!

Redecorating

So today I have been thinking about redecorating my master bathroom. A few months ago I was returning something from USA Baby when I saw this amazing painting! I saw it from across the store and the wings immediately caught my eye! It was a little boy angel holding a white bunny rabbit. As soon as I saw it my heart skipped a beat... as I drew closer I realized that the little boy angel had wispy red hair!!! I couldn't believe my eyes! When I think of Tyler playing in Heaven I usually think of him with light red hair like his daddy has! I knew at that moment that this painting was just made for me. I loved how it seemed so angelic and peaceful just like the way I imagine Tyler in Heaven.

As I took the picture down and held it in my hands I began tearing up right there in the middle of the store but I didn't care! I had to have it, I turned it over and saw that it was a lot more than I expected! I called Matt and told him about it and like always he told me if you want it just get it! I must say he spoils me! So I started to the counter holding the painting close. As I got to the register the saleslady said to me, "Oh, this is such a beautiful piece!" At that point I couldn't hold it in any longer, crying I told her why I loved this painting so much." She told me that she had lost a child as well. It's weird how things work out like that....

Anyways, here's the picture, can't wait to hang it!

A pair of shoes

A Pair of Shoes


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Author unknown

Hanna Park

So a few weeks ago Kelli, Maddy, and I went to Hanna Park to try and decide about the location for Tyler's 2nd birthday. Although Hanna Park ended up being booked already and we decided on Oceanside Park instead we got some cute pics at the beach! We didn't think that we were going to get in the water so none of us had our bathing suits but when we got there they had the most perfect little tide pools for Maddy to play in!!! Plus Kelli wanted to get some pics of Maddy on the pretty much deserted beach with her little bum on the sand! Normally I would not let her get in the water without her bathing suit on but she was so excited about the water.... Soooo.... I decided to let her go in! She LOVED it!!!!!

After playing in the water we headed back to the car and spotted the cutest tortoises! There was like 4 of them!!!

Headed back home with a sunkissed Maddy and drinking Mommy's drink!

Remembering EVERY day

Today I have been thinking alot about how great Tyler's 2nd heavenly birthday turned out. We had such a great day remembering him but now that his birthday is over I hope that everyone will continue remembering him in their daily lives! I know that for me there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you little buddy! I love you sooo much my precious little boy!

The cute things Maddy does

I love watching Maddy grow each day. She does the cutest things- (ok I may be partial because I am her Mommy but seriously it's cute!) It seems like she's constantly learning new things and I dont want to forget any of them! Here are a few of the things she has been doing lately that I just love to watch!

Since Maddy learned to clap she does it all the time! And if you clap along with her she just grins and grins and thinks your the BEST!!!

When I give Maddy her bottle in the car she likes to cross her little feet and play with her hair and ears as she drinks it. She get's in "the zone!"

Gives her silly girl grin! I love it!

When laying back in her stroller Maddy likes to prop her feet up on the bar!

One of my absolute favorite things she does is when she puts her paci in by herself she almost always put's it in backwards!

Tyler's 2nd Birthday Celebration!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Can't beleive that it has been 2 years since we last held Tyler in our arms! We miss him every day and wish that he could be here with us. We will always remember our little boy and we will always celebrate his birthday. We celebrate that he is a part of our family and even though he isn't here with us one day we will all be together in Heaven!

This year for his birthday we went to a park on the ocean and had lunch, cupcakes, and then wrote messages and released balloons. And we got a surprise! While at the park Maddy took her very first steps!!!! We know that Tyler was watching from up above smiling at Maddy and everyone who came to remember him!

Two years ago today....

Two years ago today I held you in my arms for the very first time.

Two years ago today I watched your daddy walk you around the hospital room, talking to you, and trying to fit a lifetime of memories into one day.

Two years ago today I watched you so closely hoping that you would take a breath and be ok.

Two years ago today I asked God, "How am I going to be able to let him go and say goodbye?"

Two years ago today I felt like I had died when you left our room and I gave you one last kiss.

Two years ago today I learned what it means to be a mother.

Two years ago today was THE hardest day of my life.

Two years ago today was one of the best days of my life.

Two years ago today our little boy became an angel in Heaven.

A friend who will be a friend FOREVER!!!

I am so excited! My friend Kelli is someone who I am very close to. I always feel like I can go to her and share with her how I am feeling about Tyler. I have many stories to tell about all the wonderful things she has done to let me know that Tyler is always in her heart but that will have to wait for another night because my eyes are starting to feel droopy! I am so tired but I wanted to add this wonderful picture that she made of Maddy with the dandelion flower! We call dandelions "Tyler's flower" I love this picture that she made SOOOO much! I cant wait to get it framed and hung up! Thank you Kelli!!!! Love you!!!

Things that I wish I would have done:

I know it's probably not the healthiest thing to do but I can't help thinking about all the things I wish I would have done with Tyler when he was born. So here is what I wish-

I wish I would have had Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come out and take professional pictures of Tyler and Matt and I with Tyler.

I wish I had a full body picture of Tyler (complete with his adorable teeny weenie- it was so cute!!!) Matt dont get mad that I said teeny weenie-I didnt mean it really!

I wish that I would have curled up in the hospital bed and taken a little nap with Tyler- (something that I cherish doing with Maddy)

I wish that I would have bought a really nice mold kit to take Tyler's hand and footprints.

I wish that I would have had a recording of Tyler's heartbeat.

I wish that we had video'd Tyler's birth and the time that we spent with him.

I wish that I would have had a rocking chair in the room to rock him and sing to him.

I wish that I never had to say goodbye....

The thoughts keep coming...

I dont know what it is... maybe it's because Tyler's birthday is approaching, maybe it's because I see children the age that Tyler would be now, but I have been in a bit of a funk this week. During the day things are fun, Maddy and I enjoy the day together as we splash in the water at my Mom's house, and eat banana's, we cuddle with a bottle, and I laugh at her adorable grin!!! But then when I put her down for a nap and I'm all alone with my thoughts I just lay in my bed thinking of Tyler. Today I went in the room and took out some of his things and laid in bed with them and just cried. Cried for all the things that I did not get to do with him, cried for all the things that I will never get to do with him here on this earth. Oh Tyler how I miss you every day....

Nearing Tyler's 2nd birthday...

... I have been thinking alot about where I was 2 years ago at this time. At this time 2 years ago we knew that our little Tyler was heaven bound. For some reason I was thinking today about our meeting with the lady from Hardage Giddons. She had come to our house to discuss with us and make arrangements for Tyler's service. We decided to do this ahead of time because I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for our little boy and I knew that after Tyler was born I may not be in any condition to do this. So she came in and gave us her condolences and she showed us a brochure of caskets. This about killed me right then. How horrible it was to be planning such a thing when Tyler was still alive in my belly. I began to cry and just wanted to die right then. I didn't want to have to face this reality anymore!!!!! At this time even though all the doctors said that Tyler's condition was 100% fatal and there was absolutely zero chance for survival, in my heart I still was holding out hope, hope that God would perform a miracle, hope that God would let my baby be ok... Hope that when we went back to the doctor they would find that a miracle had happened! But none of that happened, oh how I wish I could go back and change the way things turned out for you my little boy. I long to hold you in my arms more than anyone could ever know.

Tyler's 2nd birthday cards

I am so excited about Tyler's 2nd birthday cards! My friend Kelli designed them for me and I love them!!! This year we decided to do his birthday celebration at the beach- I thought of this when I had his name written in the sand in Hawaii. There is a place that will write your child's name in the sand and send it to you! I loved this beacause I love anything that has Tyler's name in print. To have someone else acknowledge him and write his name is just so sweet! So when I got the pic I loved it and thought of the idea of doing his birthday at the beach this year! Here's the invite!

The front:

The back:

Mother's Day

Well, yesterday was Mother's Day. We had a wonderful morning at the Zoo, Maddy had so much fun getting to touch the sting rays and feed the giraffe's!!! I woke up this morning and looked at Maddy's precious little face on our video monitor while she slept. I thought of how thankful I am to have her in our life. She is truly a miracle and I never knew that being a mommy could be so wonderful. I always knew it would be great but you just can't imagine just HOW wonderful until you hold your child in your arms!!! Or even see their little heart beating on the sonogram for the first time! So throughout the day I just tried to really take in the little moments, looking into Maddy's eyes, watching her play with Matt, watching her slowly fall asleep in her stroller, feeling her contentness as I held her close! The only thing that could have made this day any better was of course if I could have both of my children in my arms today. What a dream that would be! I wanted to attach this poem below that I read a while ago and really loved, on Mother's Day now not only do I think of mom's who have their children with them but I also think of all the mom's whose children are in Heaven watching over us!

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this

God I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are A Special Mom

Author Unknown