Outing to the Museum

So today we went with some friends to the MOSH. Maddy had a great time, it was so funny to watch her little personality as she toddled all around. Now that she is walking, boy is she FAST! Her favorite thing was the huge fish tanks, I had her in her stroller until we got there and as soon as we rounded the corner and she saw the fish she began just talking/babbling like crazy! I got her out of the stoller and she was walking all around to each fish tank and pointing at the fish, it was so cute to watch her! Then we went to see a few other exhibits, the Dinosaurs etc. and went in the Planetarium. She was a bit fussy at first but then got comfortable and ended up falling asleep on me for part of the show. Afterwards we went to the kids play area which has a water area and tree house she had a blast here too!

After we left the museum we picked up lunch and went to a huge oak tree in town that has benches and things and had a picnic. Mad's fell asleep as soon as we got home and I got her bottle ready! She was pooped!

The little things...

Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most. Last night we went to see mom and dad who had been away for the week on vacation. They were so excited to see Maddy and brought her back a lift the flap/touch and feel book which are her favorite! And they also brought back a packet of flower seeds to plant in Tyler's garden. It is the things like this that mean soooo much to me. To remember Tyler and get something for him and his memory too.... it just made my day. I know that they will never forget Tyler and I am so thankful to have such great parents! I can't wait to plant my seeds!

The seeds will bloom into this flower called a strawflower.

Just a quick pic of the roses I picked from Tyler's garden today!

Under The Tree

So this will be my first week participating in Under The Tree. To learn more abut Under The Tree click the picture above! It's a place where once a month there is a prompt to journal about or questions to answer. It's kinda like an online support for parents dealing with loss. So here is this months- it's a "get to know you" entry.

Hair Color: Brown Eye color: Brown

Profession: Elementary school teacher (stay at home mom this year!)

Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:

Favorite color: Blue

Favorite movie: Just Married and Sweet Home Alabama

Favorite animal: Pigmy spider monkey- too cute!
Favorite store: Target
Favorite childhood memory: Going camping with my family
Favorite hobby: Photography and digital scrapbooking
Favorite song/singer: Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift
Favorite book/author: Nicholas Sparks
Favorite school subject: Yearbook
Favorite vacation destination: We loved going to The Keys
Favorite food: fettuccine alfredo with chicken, mushrooms, and grilled onions
Favorite restaurant: Ruth Chris- although I have only been there 2 times because it is so expensive!

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Coke
Beer or wine: neither
Coffee or tea: my Mom's homemade sweet tea!
Apple Juice or O.J.: apple juice
Summer or Winter: I guess summer but Fall is my favorite!
Cats or dogs: dogs!!!
Salty or sweet: Sweet!
Plane or boat: boat
Morning or night: night
Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: Dinner

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: House

Like to cook: Yes but I hate cleaning up afterwards

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: No

Wished you were someone else: at times, yes

Cried during a movie: oh definitely!

Describe yourself in one word: caring

Biggest fear: loosing someone that I love

Biggest mistake: Not having professional pictures taken of Tyler

Your proudest accomplishment: giving birth to Tyler and Maddy and always keeping Tyler's

memory alive.

Dream job: Owning my own photography studio from home

Special talents: photography- although I haven't really worked at it in a while!

Where would you rather be at the moment: on vacation with family!

Famous person you want to meet: Tori Spelling or Jennifer Anniston

Song to be played at your funeral: I have no idea! sorry!

Missing you tonight my sweet little boy...

Recertification

Today was a crazy day. I had to run all over town to get my professional teaching certificate remewed. In FL you have to do this every 3-4 years. As I was running around like crazy this morning trying to get everything together (Matt was home too) Maddy bumped her eye on a toy(little bump) and was really crying and I was holding her and then had to give her to Matt so I could finish getting ready and out the door and she was trying to lunge toward me for me to hold her and comfort her. I felt sooooooo bad!!!!! I am like, "Oh my gosh if this is what it's going to be like when I go back to work it's going to kill me!" Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to going back to work and leaving my baby (even if it is only 2 days a week for next year).

Aquatica

Finally uploaded some pics from our trip to Aquatica. It took forever to get my underwater film camera back! Oh my gosh I hate film cameras! Digital cameras are the BEST! We had such a great trip!!! We left on Monday morning early and headed down to Orlando. We wanted to get there right when the park opened to avoid lines and get good seats/chairs near the kid's area. Maddy had been up most of the night the night before sick and not feeling well with an ear infection so she slept pretty much the whole drive there. Which was nice because I got caught p on my sleep too! Poor Matt having to drive!

We got there and went right in, practically no lines and got our chairs then hit the water! We went in Loggerhead Lane first which is like a lazy river. You have rafts and float around. he awesome thing about this is it had two different tunnels that you go under. he first tunnel has dolphins swimming around and you are right up close to them! The second tunnel (and Maddy's FAVORITE) they have tons of tropical fish! As soon as Maddy saw the fish she had that finger up and was pointing like crazy! She loves to watch fish!!!! I took her right up close to the fish and she was just babbling away! Then when it was time to leave and finish the lazy river she was crying because she didn't want to leave the fish!

Next we went in Roa's Rapids which is again like a lazy river except it is super fast, we loved this it was almost like you were skiing in the water how fast it was! The rest of the morning afternoon was spent in the kiddie area and the guys took the boys on the bigger slides. Mad's took a little nap in her stroller and then we went to have lunch at one of the places in the park where it was buffet style all day. Before we left we went in the big Wave Pool where Maddy started falling asleep on me with the huge waves swaying us back and forth, she was exhausted.

Around 2 we left the park to check into our hotel and put the little ones down for a nap. Ok who are we kidding we all took a nap! Woke up at 5:30 and headed back to the water park for the rest of the evening. When we got back we went into the 2nd area where Maddy found her 2nd favorite thing at Aquatics, the inter tubes that were closed on the bottom! She loved this because she could play around without having to be held the whole time so she was happy as can be! I have got to find one of those for home! About 9:30 at night we headed home to go to sleep!

The next day we went the Orlando Outlets then to Downtown Disney where we ate at Rainforest Cafe- one of our absolute favorite places to eat! Then shopped at all the Disney shopped took Maddy for an ice ream and headed home. What a fun trip! Wish we could have stayed longer!

Dandelion kisses

I love Precious Moments- I am going to have to get this one!

Back home...

So we just got back home yesterday from our trip to Orlando. We went to the Aquatica water park and then Rainforest Cafe, Downtown Disney, and shopping at the Outlet Mall. It was a short trip but still so much fun and nice to get away for a couple days! Just feeling sad today and wanted to write. So many times writing really seems to help, I feel better when I get my thoughts on paper- well actually I guess it's on computer here!

I wonder if I will ever go on a trip where I don't think to myself, "I wonder what it would be like if Tyler were here? I wish that our little boy was here too." I don't know maybe I will never go on a trip without thinking that and you know... if I don't stop thinking it that's ok because I love thinking about Tyler. I just wish that maybe one day when I think of Tyler I can think of him with total happiness and not a mixture of happy and sad like I do now. Is that unrealistic? Maybe. Because I know that I will NEVER stop wishing that he was here with us. I hear and read about many mom's who say, "I know that our child is in a better place and he's lucky to not have to know the bad things of our world." But I am not at that point in my grieving that I can say this and I don't know that I ever will be.

So, while we were in Downtown Disney I went to the toddler/kids clothing section and was looking at clothes for Maddy and I couldn't help but go over to the little boys section to look around for a few minutes. I knew that I probably shouldn't it would just make me upset but I couldn't help myself. I went over and looked at the cute things thinking, "Oh, Tyler would look so cute in this." Then I began to feel my eyes filling up and knew I needed to leave. Next, I was at the restaurant and heard a mother calling her son and yep, his name was Tyler. It's still so hard, it's been a little over 2 years now and I still have days where it is still SO hard. Missing you Tyler.

Pretty nice club to be in...

Well we began part of our Father's Day early. Since my mom and dad will be out of town on Father's Day we decided to celebrate early. Dad wanted all of us to drive down to Goldhead State Park to spend the day so we all packed up and headed out! It was such a nice day. It was about an hour and a half drive and when we go there they already had a pavilion reserved right by the lake and playground. We got lotioned up and headed straight down to the lake and the water felt WONDERFUL! We didn't even have to ease in because it wasn't too cold just the perfect temperature. We played for a while, Maddy had a ball splashing all around and then we went back up to cook out.

While the food cooked we took the kids over to the park where Maddy did her favorite thing- went on the swing. I swear she would stay on that swing all day if we let her! I love watching her in the swings she gets so excited and just gives these huge smiles of delight!!!! Next we ate and then hung out for a bit talking while Maddy took a nap. Then we headed down the road to the spring. It was so beautiful here! There was a short path to the spring and then a bridge that went over top the spring. We walked down and I put my feet in and boy was it cold!!! Brrr! Next thing I knew I saw a snake gliding through the water! I knew that I probably wouldn't get Matt in the water because it was really cold but then when I saw the snake there was no way he was getting in! He gets really freaked out by snakes! The kids splashed around a little bit and then we went back to the pavilion packed up and got ready to go.

As we were leaving my dad was telling Matt and Eddie happy fathers day and Matt said the cutest thing he said, "Yeah, it's a pretty nice club to be in isn't it?!" It's funny how just a few words can send a flood of memories to your mind. I thought about how long we tried to get pregnant, about giving birth to Tyler, and about our little girl that I was holding in my arms. How wonderful that we are finally a part of the "parents club" It truly is the best club in the world!

Butterfly

A butterfly lands near us, and for a brief moment its beauty belongs to our world. But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it.

So I came across the saying above on a different website and of course, I thought of Tyler. I thought about how he only stayed with us for such a short time but he has changed my life forever. I will never be the same person I was before Tyler was born and I am thankful for that because Tyler has taught me so much. He taught me what is truly important in life and to be thankful for everyday that I get to spend with Matt, and Maddy, and my family and friends because the truth is we are not guaranteed anything. Not even one day.

I wish that I was given a lifetime to spend with Tyler but I wasn't. But I can definitely say that if I were given the choice to do it over again, to carry Tyler in my belly for 20 weeks knowing that he would go straight to the arms of Jesus, and we would not get to bring our precious, beautiful baby boy home I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat because even though he isn't here with me right now, he will always be my son and we will be together again one day.

Our little monkey!

Oh my goodness has Maddy started taking off! I thought that we were on our feet alot while she was crawling, HA! Now she is taking anywhere from 5 to 15 steps at a time! We are sooooo proud of her! And with learning to walk also comes a big dose of curiosity! Maddy is trying to climb up everything and anything! It seems like if I turn my back for even one second she's on the go trying to climb into a chair or on the sofa!

I want to let her explore and try new things but at the same time I'm worried about her getting hurt! It's like she has no fear! Yesterday we were in her room and she was wanting to climb into the low (it's practically on the ground) shelf. Well I thought, "Ok, it's not going to hurt anything." Well, she climbed in happy as can be but when she was climbing out she bumped her chin and has a little red bruise! Poor thing!

Then today she wanted to climb into the dining room chair. Since I was right beside her I let her try it, It took her a while but when she finally got it she was SO proud of herself! She looked up at me with this adorable accomplished grin and it was so sweet! I got my camera out for this one so there's a pic above! After that she tried to stand up in the chair and I had to be very firm telling her, "No-no Maddy" and showing her that you can only sit on your bottom on the chair. Hmmm... she didn't like that one! Wow, the adventures of a 15 month old! I love it!

Still up...

I am up late tonight.... not ready to go to sleep yet.... which is strange considering for the past few days Maddy has not been sleeping like normal and getting up early from bedtime/naps, therfore I have been not sleeping like normal either. I think that she may be getting some more teeth in. My poor baby! So here's what I've been up to tonight. Working on digital scrapbooking.

Then and Now

So today I took some photo's of Maddy at the library with her "NICU Graduate" shirt on. The nurses gave her this when she was released to come home. When they gave us this shirt at the time it looked HUGE! But now she is about to outgrow it! As I watched her flutter around I thought how amazing she is and what a big girl she is now! It feels like just moments ago that Matt and I were practically living in the NICU- waiting for little Maddy to be able to finally come home. She was so tiny and our days were filled with how many CC's of milk she drank and whether or not she had any "brady's" today. Our highlights were getting to have "Kangaroo Care Time" which was the BEST! And being able to give her sponge baths. Those are all memories that we will always have and although they were hard at times we will ALWAYS cherish them because they were the first moments and days that we spent with our precious little girl!



And now........ Look at what a beautiful little girl she has turned into! We are just so proud of her and feel soooo blessed to have her in our life. Our days now are much different than the ones in the NICU. Now our days are filled with toys, Baby Einstein, throwing food, Zeebs, storytimes, and trips to the water park! Maddy has just started taking anywhere from 5 to 9 steps on her own and we know that pretty soon she will be all over the place! Although she keeps us on our feet now with the crawling-boy is she fast!!! She has started saying a few words now too. She says, "Da-da, Mom, Uh-oh, and All Done!" And she knows how to do the signs for bath and all done. She also loves to wave bye-bye and has started to blow kisses!

Maddy giving her "silly grin"

A picture worth a thousand words

Just looking at this picture on the wall today. I love it because not only is it Matt with Maddy but it also has a part of Tyler in there! Matt is the most amazing Daddy and husband! I feel so blessed to have him in my life!

Dreams

Today I have been thinking about dreams alot. I wish so much that I would have a dream about Tyler. I have read about other Mom's that have lost a child and have had vivid dreams about what their little one's are doing now in Heaven, what they look like now.... I wish that I could have a dream like this. I would give anything to just have one glimpse, one moment of seeing Tyler again even if only in a dream.

I will never forget a dream that I had once when I was still pregnant with Tyler. It was the night before I gave birth to Tyler. I had a horrible time that night and cried and cried until finally exhausted I fell asleep. It was then that I had the most real dream. In the dream I was in the hospital about to give birth to our baby. We were so excited to meet our baby for the first time only something was wrong. I dont remember exactly what was wrong but we were very worried. I went on to give birth and delivered the most beautiful little girl and we named her Madison and were going to call her Maddy for short. The dream ended with such happiness and our little girl was going to be ok.....

The next thing I knew I woke up, looked around and realized it was a dream. I was in fact in my bedroom at home. Immdeiately everything came flooding back into my mind as I realized that the dream wasn't real and the reality was that I was going to the hospital and would be saying goodbye to our baby in a few short hours.

I was so upset, I woke Matt up and told him the dream I just had, I creid in his arms asking him Why??? Why would I have a dream like this where our baby lived when we knew that this isn't what was going to happen? In my heart I prayed that our baby would be ok, maybe things would be ok like in my dream... But in my head I knew that that was just wishful thinking. The truth was that our precious little boy was not going to be ok and was not going to be able to come home with us.

Although at the time I was furious about that dream (actually it was more of a nightmare, a glimpse of what we so longed for yet couldn't have) now i feel that there was a reason for the dream. I think that maybe it was God's way of trying to show me that I needed to have hope. Days after Tyler was born I thought about the dream again. How weird that in the dream the baby was a girl and not a boy.

I remembered the dream again when we found out that we were pregnant with Maddy. I wondered and had a feeling that this time we might be having a girl bacuase of that dream. I also remembered that in the dream something was wrong and that scared me a little. Now that Maddy is born and went through the month in the NICU it really seems to all fit into place. If only I could have somehow changed the outcome of Tyler's birth... Missing you every day little buddy, hope to see you in my dreams!!!