Dreams

Today I have been thinking about dreams alot. I wish so much that I would have a dream about Tyler. I have read about other Mom's that have lost a child and have had vivid dreams about what their little one's are doing now in Heaven, what they look like now.... I wish that I could have a dream like this. I would give anything to just have one glimpse, one moment of seeing Tyler again even if only in a dream.

I will never forget a dream that I had once when I was still pregnant with Tyler. It was the night before I gave birth to Tyler. I had a horrible time that night and cried and cried until finally exhausted I fell asleep. It was then that I had the most real dream. In the dream I was in the hospital about to give birth to our baby. We were so excited to meet our baby for the first time only something was wrong. I dont remember exactly what was wrong but we were very worried. I went on to give birth and delivered the most beautiful little girl and we named her Madison and were going to call her Maddy for short. The dream ended with such happiness and our little girl was going to be ok.....

The next thing I knew I woke up, looked around and realized it was a dream. I was in fact in my bedroom at home. Immdeiately everything came flooding back into my mind as I realized that the dream wasn't real and the reality was that I was going to the hospital and would be saying goodbye to our baby in a few short hours.

I was so upset, I woke Matt up and told him the dream I just had, I creid in his arms asking him Why??? Why would I have a dream like this where our baby lived when we knew that this isn't what was going to happen? In my heart I prayed that our baby would be ok, maybe things would be ok like in my dream... But in my head I knew that that was just wishful thinking. The truth was that our precious little boy was not going to be ok and was not going to be able to come home with us.

Although at the time I was furious about that dream (actually it was more of a nightmare, a glimpse of what we so longed for yet couldn't have) now i feel that there was a reason for the dream. I think that maybe it was God's way of trying to show me that I needed to have hope. Days after Tyler was born I thought about the dream again. How weird that in the dream the baby was a girl and not a boy.

I remembered the dream again when we found out that we were pregnant with Maddy. I wondered and had a feeling that this time we might be having a girl bacuase of that dream. I also remembered that in the dream something was wrong and that scared me a little. Now that Maddy is born and went through the month in the NICU it really seems to all fit into place. If only I could have somehow changed the outcome of Tyler's birth... Missing you every day little buddy, hope to see you in my dreams!!!