Happy 3rd birthday my little Tyler

So today has been a hard one. Today is Tyler's 3rd birthday. 3!!!! I cant beleive it. It has been 3 years since I last held Tyler in my arms, three years that I have been without him, 3 years of memories that I have missed. Three years without my precious little boy. I wonder so many things about him.... What color hair does he have? What are his favorite things to do? What does his smile look like? What does his little laugh sound like? I wish that I knew these things.... I wish that I was there for him every single to day to share in his milestones and be his mommy. I wish that I could have saved him... kept him here with us but instead I have to spend birthdays at the cemetary full of so so many questions as to WHY??? WHY did this happen? WHY did God choose to take him from us? WHY??? And how am I going to explain that to Maddy when she get's older?
I wish I could say that today was an inspirational day filled with great moments but the truth is, it was hard. Really really hard. Even after 3 years it was still gut-wrenching hard. We began the morning going to a few stores to get the last items for the memory boxes we are making and donating in memory of Tyler. I am happy that this year we are doing something positive to remember him by and to help others. Then we went to the church to pick up the altar flowers from yesterday that my mom and dad got in memory of Tyler. They are so pretty.

After that we went to the florist and picked out some flowers to take to the cemetary. I choose blue and white flowers, blue delphiniums, white roses, and white gerbera daisies. We drove to the cemetary and Maddy was excited when we pulled up. It seems so weird that she get's excited to go here. She is so little she of course doesnt understand what a cemetary is. She knows exactly where to go to Tyler's place all on her own. As we got closer I was surprised to see that someone else had been there and left something. It was my mom and dad! They left a beautiful statue of God's hand holding a baby boy angel. I just LOVE it! And also a card saying that Tyler is probably in Heaven right now sneaking a lick of icing with Grandpa Ford! They also had brought a little ceramic sign that said Happy Birthday! We began arranging the flowers with Maddy of course helping she albsolutely loves to put them in the vase and was so proud of herself. We stayed for a while talking to Tyler and then we headed home for lunch and a nap.

We got home and I saw a gift at our door! It was from a close family friend Lee. She had the cutest little painting made! It is of a family of little birdies. A daddy, bird, a mommy bird, a baby girl bird, and in the cloud a little boy bird (like an angel) complete with reddish hair! I just adore it and am planning on hanging it in the playroom.

We also recieved lots of emails abd phone calls from friends and family letting us know they were thinking of us. I dont know how I would have gotten through today without all of them! We spent the rest of the day at home just us with lots of tears and heartache. We will always miss out little boy and we will always wish that he was here with us.... until we meet again our sweet little boy Tyler. We love you sooo much!