This months Under the Tree is now called The Secret Garden. It's a place where once a month there is a prompt to journal about or questions to answer. It's kinda like an online support for parents dealing with loss. So here is this months questions.How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
When I think of Tyler I see him in Heaven as a little toddler with light red hair and an adorable face with freckles like his Daddy. I see him as a real "boy's boy." You know one who loves to play with dirt and chase after bugs, play baseball and run around with his toy trucks. I sometimes imagine him playing with Jesus. I imagine him playing with his Gramps who is also in Heaven and playing with the other little angel babies who went to Heaven far to soon. I think that they look down on us on earth and show each other who their families are. But I do also have times where I feel sad because I wonder if Tyler is looking down on us and feeling sad that he is not here in our arms too. I wish that I could catch a glimpse of Tyler in Heaven to know that he is ok and happy- not sad, if only for a moment.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
When we became pregnant with Maddy I feel like I knew to treasure things more because of the loss of Tyler. At first I was very scared to become too attached to our new little baby but I knew that I was already soooo very attached from the second we found out that she was on her way so instead I choose to savor every moment that I had with her during my pregnancy. I was thankful for each and every day that she was growing inside because I knew that you never know, you just never know.
Well said! I love your image of heaven- I remember thinking Andrew probably looks in and sees us and knows that we are well- but being in the best place- doesn't need to come back to us now- but is secure in the knowledge that we will one day join him. I do think that heaven is a place free of hurt and sadness- so I know in those moments when I was crumbled on the floor- filled with a physical pain from the grief of losing him- he was not there- He was free from that knowledge- and it was God who helped me up and gave me my breath again.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your post!
Hugs-
Laura D.
I imagine out twin boys playing with jesus too- and reading stories together. I too have wondered if they are happy- I'd love to see their smiles-just once!
ReplyDeleteI am terrified of losing any more children- we have lost 3. I am so hoping we can get the chance to have more babies...I tried not to get too excited too early with the boys after losing our first baby to Jesus at 11 wks. Next time is going to be a real test of faith that's for sure .
thinking of you xx
That is such a beautiful description of your Tyler. I wish I could catch a glimpse of my little one too.
ReplyDeleteI hope that I will be able to treasure any future pregnancies that I may have, just as you savoured every minute of yours with Maddy. Sadly, you are right, you never know. You never know how long you are going to get with your children here on earth.
Both of your litle ones are absolutely gorgeous by the way. xx